The True Ways of Bad Assery

        Who doesn't want to people to think they're badass? Well, complete these ten steps, and you will be the ultimate bad ass in however long it takes you to do so. Once you have, you may look at the secret, the TRUE WAYS OF BADASSERY and the bottom of the post.

1. Remove all yogurt products from your residence. Seriously? Yogurt? Nobody, let alone a badass eats yogurt. Pfft.
2. Dye your hair a different color. Nothing says mystery like a new color to gawk at.
3. Get a cross necklace. 
4. Ignore your friends. You're a lone wolf.
5. Burn every article of pink, purple, or yellow clothing. Eww you're not a princess.
6. Don't study or complete any sort of work. 
7. Knock the living day lights out of your middle school bully.
8. Wear motorcycle boots.
9. Ignore all mainstream hipster stuff. 
10. Start hating your family. They are the root of all that's evil in your life. How can you not see that. 

No cheaters. Although it's badass... NO CHEATING.

I would have a juggling unicorn image here so you couldn't see the answer, but the video wouldn't work.

But you're welcome for this amazing entertainment.

Well here's the answer, so now I can go away forever.

11. You already are badass. 

12. I'm sorry if saying hipster was offensive. It's a satire.

Ode To Umbrellas

Ode To Umbrellas

(If you don't like it, I don't mind. I mean, it is poetry for sparkles' sake.)

To things that always happen,

Those that never do.

Things that get stuck in your head,

To things that slowly slip away.

To dreams that follow you

Like the sun in the car.

To days that are infinite

And ones short as a pin.

To paperclips, binder clips, hair clips, and locks.

To building it up,

And knocking it down.

Fires, snowstorms, depression, and joy.

To opposites attracting

And similar binding.

Cheers to the things that bring rain,

Smiles, whales, and tears.

But most of all,

Cheers to the things that you don't cheer for.

Cheers to umbrellas.

Love as always,

Your BDJ 

A Tale of Two Stories

A Tale of Two Stories

     Just kidding. It's not about the cermingling of two twisted tales. These are just two stories I scribbled down. Care to listen? Please critique if you please.

Love,

The Blue Jade Press

Super Lady & Kryptonite 

I want every splinter of you gone. Whenever my heart beats, that little strand of you punches against it. I want every part of you gone. Your thoughts, your memories, reminders, influences, being, sayings, inside jokes, expectations. I don't want to look at you and be reminded that I have to be ordinary. To live by others' standards. Why should you keep me from being the superlady that I am? Shouldn't I be flying through revolving doors and saving kittens (puppies, let's be honest) from trees?

(That font is SwingSet BB from Fonts.com if this shows up)

Mac

Mac never failed to follow his routine. Every morning came with a freshly steamed gray and blue tie (occasionally a red one if he felt daring), half of a cup of expresso, and the first three articles of the Wall Street Journal. Every morning was pristine and somewhat sterile, almost as if the days had been as starched white as Mac's dress shirts. All was in order, the numbers kept, every linen folded exactly the same as the day before. This is why Mac did his job so well. His orderliness was impeccable. 

Of the few houseguests he had, they all believed he had a maid. When he shook his head, they all sighed in disbelief and partial disgust. It was a crime to make your own bed anyways. Mac mostly only ever had company to prove that the house wasn't haunted, but left his door locked after the first few years of forcing people into his house. Every time they would touch something, knock over a glass, or spill wine on his white rugs, white walls, white couch. It simply was not worth the hassle. And so his gate was left to swing in the wind, and make eery creeks for the children to squeal at. 

Hey, don't tell me they're not related. Can't you see the connection? Philistine. (I still love you)